Like
approximately 54 bazillion other people, I saw Meet the Mormons this week and loved it. The movie is well-made,
uplifting, and—above all—ethnically diverse. It also earns the somewhat bizarre
distinction of being the first movie I’m aware of ever to earn an unbeatable 0%
on Rotten Tomatoes (as of October 16th) while simultaneously being
awarded a spot on the List of Top 100 Documentaries of All Time. (I’m not
making that up.)
If you loved
the movie but thought it could benefit from a few more car chases and
explosions, if you were worried in the beginning that the whole movie was going
to consist of Jenna Kim Jones walking around New York, or if you were just
amused by the lengths the movie went to be ethnically diverse (if you watched
carefully, it showed not one but TWO black bishops?)— join me now for Meet the Mormons: The Deleted Scenes.
Deleted Scene #1: Walking backward to face the camera
while narrating the beginning of the movie, Jenna Kim Jones suddenly falls into
an open manhole. Fearing they won’t be able to get her back out, the directors
immediately begin discussing plans to have Elder Chi Hong Sam Wow narrate the
documentary instead. Everyone is relieved when they get Jenna out.
Deleted Scene #2: Following the release of David
Archuleta’s new hit single, Carolina Muñoz “The Fighter” Marin is dispatched to
Utah to begin the important and dangerous assignment of protecting David from a
horde of smitten fangirls consisting of basically every girl between the ages of
twelve and twenty-five in the Western Hemisphere. Carolina describes her new assignment
as “glorious.”
Deleted Scene #3: In an effort to support the Church’s
new image as a diverse, “hip” church, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir gives a
lively Temple Square performance of Meghan Trainor’s hit song “All About that
Bass,” complete with choreography.
Deleted Scene #4: On his last mission for the Berlin
Airlift, the Candy Bomber’s plane goes down in the polar ice caps. Due to the
freezing temperatures and his extensive use of Doterra health products, he
survives preserved in the ice for fifty years before being found and rescued by
S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. He immediately joins a special team of elite superheroes
including Iron Man, Thor, Black Widow, and Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. The movie
directors display a sudden inexplicable interest in filming a segment about
S.H.I.E.L.D. director Nick Fury, only to lose that interest when it’s
discovered that he is not an LDS bishop.
Deleted Scene #5: Mitt Romney, David Archuleta,
Stephenie Meyer, Donny Osmond, Shay Carl, and the Gardiner sisters are all interviewed
for spotlights in Meet the Mormons,
but these scenes are deleted on the grounds that these members “are not
multicultural enough.” It’s also noted that Alex Boye and Gladys Knight were
considered for parts in the movie, but only on the condition that they become
bishops first.
Deleted Scene #6: After a harrowing high-speed pursuit through Temple Square, the Berlin Candy Bomber battles the Fighter in a dramatic duel atop the roof of the Conference Center. Hundreds of feet below, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sings the “Duel of the Fates” theme from Star Wars. The story will be continued in Meet the Mormons 2: Rise of Dieter.
In all
seriousness, it’s a wonderful documentary and I recommend it to everybody
whether you’re Mormon or not. If you liked the blog, hit the share button,
follow me on Twitter (@connorkunz17), and spread the love. If you were offended in some way,
please accept this kitten as a token of my sincerest apologies.
Feel better
now? Thought so.
